forever

When I was five I stood in the kitchen with my fingertips grasped on he edges of he countertop, lamenting. I sniffled and wiped my eyes. How long was forever? What if I didn't want to live forever?  
What then? Years have passed faster than fury, and I still wonder from time to time, but I finally have peace. Someone helped me let go of my apprehension.

When I met Daniel I was impressed by his conviction, that he knew exactly what he believed, no hesitation in telling me this. As someone who was raised Muslim and grew with a rather rigid outlook on existence from a structured religion, I considered him an anomaly, an interesting variation to my black and white world. My friend Sarah always tells me about the many shades of gray in everything. Daniel is a soft wash of steely gray. And he moved me to reconsider my beliefs, the right or wrong way I tend to view everything...well some things are in the middle. Not everything is this or that. There are areas in life as mysterious as the Creator. They are this way for a reason.

Daniel opened my eyes to what I could never quite do. He offered support and advice, but I could never put his wisdom into practice. Until now. I've learned that I never truly appreciate what I am blessed with until it is gone. And now he is gone. And I still have friends and supporters, but perhaps my biggest most tangible there when I need him supporter is no longer there whenever I need him.

When we see people everyday we take in a collective experience, but in the aftermath we rely on tiny glimpses of memory. I remember whenever I looked up to catch his expression I had to crane my neck back to see, as he's nearly a foot taller than me. One of his teeth is a lingering baby tooth. At first it perplexed me but soon I sought it in his smile. Robin's egg blue eyes, round and curious, yet often serenely calm. Heavily veined arms while playing the drums. A sauntering unassuming gait. A reassuring laugh. A closet full of metal tshirts with plenty of disturbing fonts and images.

I'll miss someone I knew so well, yet I barely scratched the surface of his potential in the short time I knew him. He's a lazy river in a world of cityscapes and construction. I was a raft with poor construction and a tendency to unravel and dismantle.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your hope, your fears (if there were ever any), and your unapologetic good good self.

(Hello) Daniel