May you be inspired, and may you experience the enthrall of everyday beauty all around you,
Saira
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
photo inspire
I decided on photo inspire as a title because I want to think of experiencing a photograph as an action verb. I want to photo inspire you today with some plants in a bucket. As part of my assignment for this I ventured to the local high school today for some time in the school garden. I learned about some of the different plants and about the difficult growing season, and for some reason (maybe you can tell me why) I was completely inspired by this image. I don't know how to explain what it means to me, but maybe I like it so much because it channels beauty in a simple unassuming rather plain circumstance or setting. When I left Mr. Campbell, the teacher I visited with, told me, "If you can make this garden look good, then you're a great photographer." I'm not sure about what magical powers I possess, but this photo makes me feel good, and that's really what I aim to do when I photograph anything: to evoke a feeling of joy, fancy, or wonder.
May you be inspired, and may you experience the enthrall of everyday beauty all around you,
Saira
May you be inspired, and may you experience the enthrall of everyday beauty all around you,
Saira
Friday, May 17, 2013
forever
When I was five I stood in the kitchen with my fingertips grasped on he edges of he countertop, lamenting. I sniffled and wiped my eyes. How long was forever? What if I didn't want to live forever?
What then? Years have passed faster than fury, and I still wonder from time to time, but I finally have peace. Someone helped me let go of my apprehension.
When I met Daniel I was impressed by his conviction, that he knew exactly what he believed, no hesitation in telling me this. As someone who was raised Muslim and grew with a rather rigid outlook on existence from a structured religion, I considered him an anomaly, an interesting variation to my black and white world. My friend Sarah always tells me about the many shades of gray in everything. Daniel is a soft wash of steely gray. And he moved me to reconsider my beliefs, the right or wrong way I tend to view everything...well some things are in the middle. Not everything is this or that. There are areas in life as mysterious as the Creator. They are this way for a reason.
Daniel opened my eyes to what I could never quite do. He offered support and advice, but I could never put his wisdom into practice. Until now. I've learned that I never truly appreciate what I am blessed with until it is gone. And now he is gone. And I still have friends and supporters, but perhaps my biggest most tangible there when I need him supporter is no longer there whenever I need him.
When we see people everyday we take in a collective experience, but in the aftermath we rely on tiny glimpses of memory. I remember whenever I looked up to catch his expression I had to crane my neck back to see, as he's nearly a foot taller than me. One of his teeth is a lingering baby tooth. At first it perplexed me but soon I sought it in his smile. Robin's egg blue eyes, round and curious, yet often serenely calm. Heavily veined arms while playing the drums. A sauntering unassuming gait. A reassuring laugh. A closet full of metal tshirts with plenty of disturbing fonts and images.
I'll miss someone I knew so well, yet I barely scratched the surface of his potential in the short time I knew him. He's a lazy river in a world of cityscapes and construction. I was a raft with poor construction and a tendency to unravel and dismantle.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your hope, your fears (if there were ever any), and your unapologetic good good self.
(Hello) Daniel
What then? Years have passed faster than fury, and I still wonder from time to time, but I finally have peace. Someone helped me let go of my apprehension.
When I met Daniel I was impressed by his conviction, that he knew exactly what he believed, no hesitation in telling me this. As someone who was raised Muslim and grew with a rather rigid outlook on existence from a structured religion, I considered him an anomaly, an interesting variation to my black and white world. My friend Sarah always tells me about the many shades of gray in everything. Daniel is a soft wash of steely gray. And he moved me to reconsider my beliefs, the right or wrong way I tend to view everything...well some things are in the middle. Not everything is this or that. There are areas in life as mysterious as the Creator. They are this way for a reason.
Daniel opened my eyes to what I could never quite do. He offered support and advice, but I could never put his wisdom into practice. Until now. I've learned that I never truly appreciate what I am blessed with until it is gone. And now he is gone. And I still have friends and supporters, but perhaps my biggest most tangible there when I need him supporter is no longer there whenever I need him.
When we see people everyday we take in a collective experience, but in the aftermath we rely on tiny glimpses of memory. I remember whenever I looked up to catch his expression I had to crane my neck back to see, as he's nearly a foot taller than me. One of his teeth is a lingering baby tooth. At first it perplexed me but soon I sought it in his smile. Robin's egg blue eyes, round and curious, yet often serenely calm. Heavily veined arms while playing the drums. A sauntering unassuming gait. A reassuring laugh. A closet full of metal tshirts with plenty of disturbing fonts and images.
I'll miss someone I knew so well, yet I barely scratched the surface of his potential in the short time I knew him. He's a lazy river in a world of cityscapes and construction. I was a raft with poor construction and a tendency to unravel and dismantle.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your hope, your fears (if there were ever any), and your unapologetic good good self.
(Hello) Daniel
Thursday, May 16, 2013
goodbye Saira
The infamous sealing words. Goodbye. When I was younger I pressed my hands against the window glass and cried when house guests and visitors left. I try to imagine myself now in the same position, but no tears come out. In fact, I don't feel like I have anything to cry about.
What I know is I formed a strong friendship in a precarious environment. The friendship flourished at the cost of much that I knew. I blamed the friendship on my losses and resented it, but time showed me its own beauty and purpose. And now that I hear a supposed fate all I can do is shrug. I truly believe that once someone sees how vulnerable we can be, once they hear the pattern of our heartbeat, and learn our favorite snocone flavor...that that person has been entrusted with a precious glimpse into a soul.
To leave people for any reason is to throw away something as delicate as a baby's grasp. But in truth, we don't need what we think we do. I am staring at the life ahead of me, completely alone for the first time in my life. I acknowledge my family and the friends that I still have as supporters; no one can walk my walk though: it's all on me.
I want to write my novel, the one that's been forming in my mind for years. I want to pay tribute to my grandfather, to his memory through my words. I want my book to be successful, and I want my first book to start a career of writing more stories, stories I want to share with young readers, especially girls who have experienced inner turmoil, self-esteem woes, and heartbreak.
It's not the end. Goodbye is not strong enough of a word to be the end all experience.
Hello Saira.
What I know is I formed a strong friendship in a precarious environment. The friendship flourished at the cost of much that I knew. I blamed the friendship on my losses and resented it, but time showed me its own beauty and purpose. And now that I hear a supposed fate all I can do is shrug. I truly believe that once someone sees how vulnerable we can be, once they hear the pattern of our heartbeat, and learn our favorite snocone flavor...that that person has been entrusted with a precious glimpse into a soul.
To leave people for any reason is to throw away something as delicate as a baby's grasp. But in truth, we don't need what we think we do. I am staring at the life ahead of me, completely alone for the first time in my life. I acknowledge my family and the friends that I still have as supporters; no one can walk my walk though: it's all on me.
I want to write my novel, the one that's been forming in my mind for years. I want to pay tribute to my grandfather, to his memory through my words. I want my book to be successful, and I want my first book to start a career of writing more stories, stories I want to share with young readers, especially girls who have experienced inner turmoil, self-esteem woes, and heartbreak.
It's not the end. Goodbye is not strong enough of a word to be the end all experience.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
a test within a test (within)
This morning I opened my eyes and stared blankly at the ceiling. The comforter had shifted in my sleep, cold air, a newer sensation to me, swept across my exposed skin; I hid back under the covers for a few minutes longer. Then, eventually, I dragged myself across the room and through the door to eat something before my test. I felt like today was definitely an off kilter day for me, but I couldn't place the strange dread that was all too real. Outside the world seemed to agree with me. The sky cried and the wind moaned in unison with the fat droplets that hit my windshield, as the wipers danced the only dance they know.
Enter The Testing Environment. Really. You will see that this place needs to be an active character. But I wont skip too far ahead. So pay attention to the now. I climbed up three flights of stairs in the library where the test was located--I needed to wake up a little more. I am all too familiar with the test site, so I was disappointed to see that a magic cubical room did not present itself on the third floor. We were, instead, testing in a room where the computers are far too close together. And to my astonishment the proctor was checking people in in the very room where people were testing. I was photographed and "checked-in," then taken to the computer where I would test for the next two hours. I asked for noise cancellation headphones because I had been given some at the last test site for the first portion of the test. One of the proctors went to ask the other proctor, and she walked back and handed me regular headphones, computer with a microphone attachment: what the hell--another bad sign.
I got in my test mode, smoothed the ends of my scarf attached pink snowflake jacket on my knees and folded my legs, criss-cross-applesauce, on the wheely chair. I clicked through the questions, and I found myself skipping quite a few. Crap, I thought, crap. Once I was 2/3 through (mind you I skipped many), the computer showed the spinning circle. And it kept spinning. A few minutes later I found the person next to me make eye contact with me, and we realized both our circles were spinning. The person to the far right of me had the same predicament. We raised our hands. One proctor walked up to us, told us to wait, and the other proctor called the appropriate peoples. We waited. Finally, after about thirty minutes all the systems were rebooted. No one knew whether the test would resume where we had each left off, or whether we had lost all the work we had done so far. Once my screen looked like the earlier one I had started with I felt a sense of relief. Now I could get this over with. I settled into a comfortable place, both mentally and physically, but no more then fifteen minutes passed until my computer froze again.
Heat spread to my cheeks, and I raised my hand again. At this point I would have expected the proctors to throw up their hands and shake their heads dismissively; they would say something like, "Sorry guys. We have a lot of kinks to work out. You will be assigned a new test date. Sign your name here." Something close. Instead, the proctors played a game of pass the phone, while they interpreted the instructions of whatever misinformed person was on the other line. The funny thing is that a handful of people were still taking the test. Their computers had not let them down. I felt a mix of jealously and regret for the people who had the dis/advantage of still testing. I took two bathroom breaks. So did others. The people outside were confused. Many were unable to sign in to test. Many left. I almost did too. I felt the anger rise in my voice when I asked the proctor what I should do. Then I walked away; what else could I do? I sat back down and waited. I got up and walked to the window and looked at my bird's eye view. I tried to reconnect with nature and feel a sense of calm. Good for a few seconds. As soon as I looked away I felt tightness in my chest again.
I got to the test before 10:30. Around 2:00 we were told that we would be contacted by the official test people about retesting. We had multiple questions that flew from our mouths like fireflies that had been trapped in a jar all summer. I left with the realization that I had no idea when my test would be. I have plans for the next two weekends. What do they expect me to do? What if I don't get to test in time to interview for teaching jobs? What will I do if I don't have a full-time high school teaching job in the fall? The questions tumbled against each other with a domino organized fall effect.
Standing in the rain, I looked around me. The campus was green and quiet. Two Indian boys in hoodies walked on the sidewalk in front of me. They were laughing and smiling. I felt my stress from the stressful environment pass through my exhales.
The next thing on my mind was lunch. Glorious lunch. I anticipated the tastes with a sudden fervor.
Cons: incomplete test, no idea when the makeup will be
Pros: it WILL happen "soon," I have more time to study, I had something to write about
happy rainy, dreary, overcast Saturday
Saira
Enter The Testing Environment. Really. You will see that this place needs to be an active character. But I wont skip too far ahead. So pay attention to the now. I climbed up three flights of stairs in the library where the test was located--I needed to wake up a little more. I am all too familiar with the test site, so I was disappointed to see that a magic cubical room did not present itself on the third floor. We were, instead, testing in a room where the computers are far too close together. And to my astonishment the proctor was checking people in in the very room where people were testing. I was photographed and "checked-in," then taken to the computer where I would test for the next two hours. I asked for noise cancellation headphones because I had been given some at the last test site for the first portion of the test. One of the proctors went to ask the other proctor, and she walked back and handed me regular headphones, computer with a microphone attachment: what the hell--another bad sign.
I got in my test mode, smoothed the ends of my scarf attached pink snowflake jacket on my knees and folded my legs, criss-cross-applesauce, on the wheely chair. I clicked through the questions, and I found myself skipping quite a few. Crap, I thought, crap. Once I was 2/3 through (mind you I skipped many), the computer showed the spinning circle. And it kept spinning. A few minutes later I found the person next to me make eye contact with me, and we realized both our circles were spinning. The person to the far right of me had the same predicament. We raised our hands. One proctor walked up to us, told us to wait, and the other proctor called the appropriate peoples. We waited. Finally, after about thirty minutes all the systems were rebooted. No one knew whether the test would resume where we had each left off, or whether we had lost all the work we had done so far. Once my screen looked like the earlier one I had started with I felt a sense of relief. Now I could get this over with. I settled into a comfortable place, both mentally and physically, but no more then fifteen minutes passed until my computer froze again.
Heat spread to my cheeks, and I raised my hand again. At this point I would have expected the proctors to throw up their hands and shake their heads dismissively; they would say something like, "Sorry guys. We have a lot of kinks to work out. You will be assigned a new test date. Sign your name here." Something close. Instead, the proctors played a game of pass the phone, while they interpreted the instructions of whatever misinformed person was on the other line. The funny thing is that a handful of people were still taking the test. Their computers had not let them down. I felt a mix of jealously and regret for the people who had the dis/advantage of still testing. I took two bathroom breaks. So did others. The people outside were confused. Many were unable to sign in to test. Many left. I almost did too. I felt the anger rise in my voice when I asked the proctor what I should do. Then I walked away; what else could I do? I sat back down and waited. I got up and walked to the window and looked at my bird's eye view. I tried to reconnect with nature and feel a sense of calm. Good for a few seconds. As soon as I looked away I felt tightness in my chest again.
I got to the test before 10:30. Around 2:00 we were told that we would be contacted by the official test people about retesting. We had multiple questions that flew from our mouths like fireflies that had been trapped in a jar all summer. I left with the realization that I had no idea when my test would be. I have plans for the next two weekends. What do they expect me to do? What if I don't get to test in time to interview for teaching jobs? What will I do if I don't have a full-time high school teaching job in the fall? The questions tumbled against each other with a domino organized fall effect.
Standing in the rain, I looked around me. The campus was green and quiet. Two Indian boys in hoodies walked on the sidewalk in front of me. They were laughing and smiling. I felt my stress from the stressful environment pass through my exhales.
The next thing on my mind was lunch. Glorious lunch. I anticipated the tastes with a sudden fervor.
Cons: incomplete test, no idea when the makeup will be
Pros: it WILL happen "soon," I have more time to study, I had something to write about
happy rainy, dreary, overcast Saturday
Saira
Friday, May 3, 2013
water pours
I'm staring at the screen, ready for an update after a dry spell on the blog, and I have absolutely nothing to write. Of course, I can write about how I feel, how my day went, but I will, in retrospect, not want to mind trivial affairs. I will want to remember that I am much bigger than a setback all in a day's living. So I'm going to do something I really don't want to now, but I know that I need to do. Before I go and do some stress relief yoga, I'm going to make yet another list. This list is going to be an assortment of that for which I am proud or thankful. If all I do is focus on the yuck when I feel like yuck I wont get anymore right then. And right now is all we really have. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, and yesterday has contributed to who we are but it's completely out of reach. Let's go.
1. I have two degrees, which I will hopefully put to use soon.
2. I have an extremely supportive and caring family.
3. My friendships are deep and not surface level.
4. Even when I don't feel beautiful, I know that I really am in many ways.
5. I am working harder than I ever have in my life to support myself financially.
6. I passed the Praxis I, and I hope to pass Praxis II tomorrow.
7. My kitten, Pasha, is a kitten no longer, and she has grown so gracefully. She's healthy and content.
8. So far most of my goodbyes in life have been temporary, even if for many years.
9. I never want for any basic need.
10. I need prayer and reflection more than I have in life so far; it's not bad to pray. It's really really good.
11. I learn and retain information well.
12. When I sub I really try to be the best teacher/person I can be in the classroom. I keep my standards high but I always meet the students where they are when they need help. I am getting good practice for the main work phase of my life in the coming chapters.
13. I always forgive.
Right now that exercise did nothing for me. I'm right where I was when I started, but I know that when I read over this after I post it, and several days from now, I will have insight and enhanced meaning.
What falls must fall to reach the ground. Once it stops it can fall no more. It has found a home in resolve and surrender.
Saira
1. I have two degrees, which I will hopefully put to use soon.
2. I have an extremely supportive and caring family.
3. My friendships are deep and not surface level.
4. Even when I don't feel beautiful, I know that I really am in many ways.
5. I am working harder than I ever have in my life to support myself financially.
6. I passed the Praxis I, and I hope to pass Praxis II tomorrow.
7. My kitten, Pasha, is a kitten no longer, and she has grown so gracefully. She's healthy and content.
8. So far most of my goodbyes in life have been temporary, even if for many years.
9. I never want for any basic need.
10. I need prayer and reflection more than I have in life so far; it's not bad to pray. It's really really good.
11. I learn and retain information well.
12. When I sub I really try to be the best teacher/person I can be in the classroom. I keep my standards high but I always meet the students where they are when they need help. I am getting good practice for the main work phase of my life in the coming chapters.
13. I always forgive.
Right now that exercise did nothing for me. I'm right where I was when I started, but I know that when I read over this after I post it, and several days from now, I will have insight and enhanced meaning.
What falls must fall to reach the ground. Once it stops it can fall no more. It has found a home in resolve and surrender.
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