to everyone belongs a faith

2:256. Let there be no compulsion in religion: Truth stands out clear from Error: whoever rejects evil and believes in [God] hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. And [God] heareth and knoweth all things.

I wanted to borrow from the Qur'an today, for a bit of a look from my perspective. When I was growing up in the South I learned on a daily basis about Christian beliefs. I lived and still live in a predominately Christian town. I have seen a surge of fervor and evangelism. And I have often felt like I was backed into a corner with only a squeak of a voice in my defense. Defense? Yes, defense. If I wasn't told (in a concerned tone) that I was going to hell, then I was encouraged to participate in Christian activities, most likely with the hope that I would come to accept that faith.

I have nothing personally against Christianity, other than it is not my faith. It is not how I was raised, and it's not the way the bits in my brain want to think. And my heart has another to which it surrenders.

We both believe in God, but as far as how we perceive God, that is the tricky part. Muslims do not emphasize nor prescribe to the Trinity or to the God like traits of Jesus Christ.

So, yes, I do feel out of place on Easter Sunday. It's a day with a lot of conventional parts, but the faith based message is a stretch for me.

I realize this is how Christians, and other faiths (sorry for neglecting to mention diversity of spiritual systems in this post) must feel about my beliefs. Especially in a predominately Muslim place.

Sometimes I fantasize about being somewhere where I don't have to explain the difference between haram and halal, where my friends and peers will not playfully jab me for not eating pork ("but it's soo good," they say), where I am surrounded by masses for support.

If I ever begin to start placing my beliefs above another's I will have to take a break from waving my self-righteous finger around for attention.

Because I truly don't care to spread Islam by my influence anymore. I shared what I know and what I feel with someone once, and that did not go so well in the end. Because we believe what we will ourselves to believe. Nothing I say or do can make someone change or be something he or she is not, to the core.

Muslims have this understanding that God gives light and meaning to who God wants to. So I no longer make myself out to be more than a person living each day according to the message I am interpreting.

But how I fail! How I refuse to do what is so essentially right. How I struggle with the simplicity of ritual practice. Many days I am disgusted with myself, but at night I have to surrender to sleep and try again the next day.

Do I have a lot of angst? Yes, I really do. Twenty-eight years of societal influence has given me a shaky exterior protecting a very fragile interior. I long to be at peace with the conflict I've created for myself most days.

I turn to meditation right now because it feels like a transition to formal prescribed prayers. When I become more of who I am you will tell a difference. You will hear it in the fluidity of my words.

Thanks for taking this departure from what I might normally write. And thanks for your faith in my writing.

believe what you believe with all you are, and don't be let down when the world doesn't agree,
Saira