Another friend is pregnant. My small world goes through waves of marriages and pregnancies. My knee jerk reaction is a pang of pain, and I follow it up with a quick "Congratulations." What else do you say? Do I escape into my mind and pour out the swamp like depths of jealously? Or do I go to my blog and write out the thoughts that are too negative to say to anyone experiencing such a joyous moment in life? It wasn't always this way.
Almost two years ago I thought I would be on that same path toward motherhood in the next two years. And now I look back, look forward and see just me standing on this path. It's weathered and shifting, and all I can do is hang on with my super grip feet. My nails are talons, and I dig into the earth, refusing to budge. But the grounds keep moving, and like I'm on a conveyer belt, I move even when I'm standing still.
It's not so bad being alone. I am a lot of time to be myself, even at the expense of others wanting me to change. I get to practice genuineness and good manners when I feel like a pile of wadded up paper balls from neglected rough drafts and attempts at the right things to say.
Time to turn on emo tracks,
Saira
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*hugs*
ReplyDeletethank you, Ashley
DeleteI know I am one of your married friends who has a baby, but I just want you to know I can sympathise. I miscarried two pregnancies, and it made me sick to hear other happy women announcing their pregnanices or reporting on the status of their healthy, developing babies. I cried a lot when I was alone and put on a smile for the world, giving out those same "congratulations" when I really just wanted to say, "Shut up about your unproblematic life." I guess I tell you this so you know you're not alone. You never know what people are dealing with privately-- many people have deep hurts like ours, but there are also blessings ahead.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you reminded me about this. I do know several women who have miscarried, and I often forget that people have hurt as much or more than I am hurting right now. Thank you for being a good friend all these years.
DeleteSaira, u r such a beautiful.talented woman....ur life is on the right path, even if ur just along for the ride standing still on a conveyor belt....ur future will be beautiful...just live in the moment....and let that path lead u....u hav a beautiful heart and mind....and if anyone wants somethng diff. than who u r....u need to stear away from those people....and remember u r still so young and ur soul mate will come and except the woman that u r....keep reaching for ur dreams of getting published and u never kno what will happen in the mean time....just expect what I see.....greatness
ReplyDeleteluv ya doll ....chasity Norris
How can I thank you for those sweet words? I am humbled and so grateful
DeleteNo thank u needed...I meant every word....ur easy to talk to and about....ur such a lovely person; who is bound for greatness...and I luv ur blogs....we ssooo need to get together soon...I'm n russ. m w f. ..... and catch up....luv ya doll
ReplyDeleteMessage me on fb Chasity about meeting up! I would love to grab a coffee! Or two :) Thank you for being so good to me
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