Sayonara Saira

You know the feeling. Someone who was once quite new, and no longer is, tells you it's not going to work any longer, or at least not for the moment. What do you do? When I've been in this situation I have two go-to options, 1) cry, 2) complain. And as a recent third, go into a listless, apathetic, absolutely numb mode. That is by far the worst. Don't go there! It's natural to feel down. Revel in the downness and think about why you feel that way. Once you've had a cathartic cry and your friends are very familiar with the situation, then write it out. If you have a blog be classy and discreet with details, leave out names, but let it out. If you journal by all means go there. If the journal locks even better, and so vintage of you. :-) The point of this bit of writing is to not sweat the stuff that seems too big to handle. It's really not. It only completely and totally feels that way. Just to take it a step further with your worrying, let's go through why this way have happened.

When you make friends what kind of friend are you? Do you float along and go with what happens? Are you planning, planning, planning? The same question applies in the love department. I have realized I'm an overwhelming sort of friend. I am incredibly dramatic and loud and energetic. I want my new friends and the new people in my life to be my life. I've gotten better about this as I've gotten older, but the old Saira still lingers. It goes like this: bestestfriends for two weeks, a month, two months, but once that newness and excitement wears off people get plain tired. "How does she keep going?" they wonder. "Do her problems seem to end? No? Oh geez." That last statement is the one I imagine people saying from my past. I went through a healthy chunk of my life catastrophizing the smallest things. No text from said individual for two hours? Intolerable! Someone said this or said that? Unbearable. The key here, I think is to be the friend you want to be friends with. Now I realize we can't all change who we are, but we can certainly try to emulate those good qualities we are so attracted to in the first place. By all means don't kill who you are, but also recognize you will have to inevitably take on so much more to be a true friend and lover.

My current life plan involves so much meditation it's probably a bit much. But I never realized how much the inhales and exhales as primary focus is relaxing and reflective in retrospect. Just taking even ten minutes each day to clear my mind gives me more positivity and direction. I'm also loving music as therapy. Make some playlists based on your moods on Pandora. Feel like a sluggish blob of goop? There's a station for that. Spazzy Magees might enjoy some Vampire Weekend or The Shins, for example. People are great, good, fantastic to talk to, but every now and then people do not have all the answers: you do. So soul search yourself. Talk a thinking walk. Paint out your emotions. Or try this. You are going to raise your eyebrows at this one, but talk to an animal, even if it's your fish. Reason why is that they will not judge you at all. All they will do is unconditionally love you exactly the stinking imperfect way you are. What a refreshing thing! Make best friends with yourself today. Do it for life. It takes that extra effort each day, and pretty soon you will wonder what got you so down in the first place.

Your friends and the people you fall in love with are not permanent. It's kind of like when you watch the ocean and the tide comes in and brings some rocks and bits of debris, maybe even a starfish or five, and then it goes back out into the depths of the ocean. I think of the people in my life like that. God, sometimes I have been gifted with the most beautiful curious creatures, and then they go away. But. but. but. Chances are if they are the stuff of magic I thought they were, if they really and truly are, they will return. In some shape or another, they will be back. Watch the tide, wait for it, and live the amazing life before you.

I love me today. Do you?
Saira