don't fail me now

Life is a blink, a flutter of the eyelashes across the cheek, the brush of lips against a glass of water. In these moments, these millions and billions of moments where the heart continuously beats, what did you do with your time? Like many, including me, you might have wasted away. The clock ticked and tocked and the time faded into the past but you stayed in your chair, in your bed, or in the cobwebs forming in the corner of your mind. I remember when I was twenty. I walked across campus watching the squirrels scamper up tall trees. I wore Pakistani dress on top and gym pants on the bottom with a side ponytail and fake designer sunglasses. I photographed blades of grass, dead baby birds, and cigarette butts on campus--nothing ceased to perplex or fascinate me. I was enthralled with every exhale of the Earth. People were mysterious even when they spoke blatantly. School was my passion and my existence. I lived for myself, but despite myself I was so innately connected to this life force around me that lives and breathes in every soul.

I haven't felt that delicately aware of the cosmos in years. I turned a page and saw fires and hurricanes and starving children in my mind's eye. These disasters and nightmares were me, they were my life, and the choices I was making. I lost my desire to be authentically true to me and to the One God I worship. I withered and fragmented, surrendering to the wants of people who would sooner board a train and leave in the face of the impending storm.

All I can do now is try to remember. What did I do once? Where did my feet fall? Is left worse than right? Questions do have answers, even for me. As much as I wonder and wonder about what is staring straight at me, and I know when it is time to push the plate, which is quite full, and give it to Someone, Something, Unspeakably, Unfathomably BIGGER than what I can ever, ever imagine.

It's time, God. Take the mess I've made and release a cage of doves. Beckon a double rainbow to illuminate the southern skies. Take my cliches and my narrow understanding of Mercy and Deep Love and let me fall in love with the world again, not the small part of this life, but the part that matters, the part that serves and seeks to feel your embrace.

I'm finished with fighting,
Saira