new nails and a new attitude

After work today I had the absolute joy of getting to see my college best friend for a few hours. Before I could meet her I had to get her a small gift because it's been so long. When I finished with my shopping I still had 20 minutes until I was due at the restaurant for late lunch. I went into the adjacent salon and requested shellac. I have been a good girl, painting my own nails with my own nail polish and base and top coat the past two times. Today was a treat. After a few mess ups I arrived for lunch almost 25 minutes late--way to go, Saira. Luckily, my friends are understanding; she waited in her car and chatted with another friend while I scrambled in a mad dash to meet her. Seeing her reassuring smile and just her was worth the sprint.

How would you describe the way you feel when you talk to a good friend? I know my face lights up, and I feel comfortable wrinkling my nose and laughing loudly at everyone's expense. I have actually had some embarrassed people from my past tell me in a certain hush tone to please be quieter. That's a real rip roaring compliment if I've ever heard one. But steering back to a sunnier topic, we chose the restaurant I work at for lunch, and it's so different being on the eating side again. They got slammed during late lunch hours, so it was interesting to sit back and watch everything calming down around me. We ate way too much, and I felt like I wanted to stumble dumbly out the door, which I nearly did! We went by a few more stops in our time together, and I can't describe the happiness I felt. When I am around people that truly "get me" I am so much myself it's silly. I'll never forget today. And I'm thankful to have bright days amidst the dark and dreary ones.

Leave room for lights to flicker and for flames to grow brilliantly. The dark is not for always. All it needs is a flash of light to remember what is possible.

Give your friends hugs today,
Saira

cry, baby

No one told me it would be this hard. Life unravels every evening and I find myself sitting in a puddle of my own tears. I gasp and choke down my sobs, and then more come to the surface, ready to take over my breaths. After a few minutes of this, I feared the coming headache from hell, so I said to myself, "now that's enough, Saira dear." I wiped up the moisture, blew my nose, and settled onto a pillow. I set an alarm for ten minutes from then. I closed my eyes, and I breathed in and out. Thoughts raced in my head like cars on a drag strip. Haunting memories flashed in my mind. On. Off. On. Off. When I would lose my calm, I would lightly nudge myself back to my breath. I started thinking "love" on my inhales and "healing" on the exhales. When I thought about what healing means to me I made sure to include an enveloping warmth, like a heaven-sent embrace. Before I realized it ten minutes were over. The alarm gently pulled me back into the dark room, where covers were strewn around my half lotus crossed legs. I no longer felt the need to cry. I felt comfortably numb; if I never understood that expression before, suddenly it had meaning.

Remember, some days you will want to cry. You might need to cry. That's okay. It might take several months of this routine. Sure enough you'll have breaks in the blur, but then hard nights return. The world seems like a place of Take Away, and monsters chase you in your dreams. People always walk past you: you always seem one step behind the truth you seek. Don't close your heart down for repairs. It's resilient, and it is willing to bleed while you face life, reluctantly but steadily.

Cry, baby. You deserve it.

Love,
Saira

hips don't sing...well, they shouldn't

Oh how I love subbing. Really. It's great being a part time teacher and getting to leave at the end of the day, not worried about the lingering social and educational issues that remain. But. Sometimes I long for my spot in a classroom as someone who belongs for more than a few days. As I walked down the hallway at the high school I subbed at today, I read the motivational posters and looked at the framed class pictures lining the walls. I noticed who had contributed to the school and how they were honored. I dragged my fingers across name plates greeting visitors and students alike outside of classrooms. Yes, today I felt more like an outsider than I normally have. Today was also a day of controlled chaos, as my assignment changed the moment I stepped inside the school doors, and it was not anymore clear to me by the end of the day. This is the reality behind subbing though: most things do, indeed, go. I walked briskly to my car at the end of the day with an hour to spare before my next job started.

I walked into my workplace in a positive refreshed mood (showers and long drives home do wonders). I got seated with three tables tonight, and I couldn't have asked for kinder people at my tables. The people I work with were helpful and friendly as they always are. I walked out the door 30 minutes before close. In every other situation I should be perfectly content with my evening, but not tonight.

Just after getting into my car I broke down and sobbed. I am still trying to figure out exactly what happened in my mind. I try to retrace my thought process, but all I can understand is how exhausted I was. I realize, every day, that my life has lost its ease and lightness, that I will have to work hard each day hereafter to get by. That hard work has finally found a place in my life, and it's here to stay.

In my lately fashion I should find the positive in my sorrow, so here goes. People comforted, and if not comforted they at least listened to me, on the drive home. And someone called me back who I did not expect to; that made me sit up and think. Do people hear our calls of desperation and pain and respond? Does God send relief in the moments of quiet struggle? What is it that I am really seeking? Money pays bills, but does it fill a weary heart with hope and love? What must I live for?

I have a goal for myself. Before I close my eyes tonight and say farewell to another day I will laugh out loud at myself. I am a fool, no more, no less. I am a fool in love with a fleeting memory.

Goodnight,
Saira

PS: My hips ache from the walking today. If "dogs" or feet can bark, my hips can sing. Unfortunately they are not in tune.

I can only give you my words of gratitude

Today I went to church with a woman I have loved as part of my family. The feeling hasn't changed. I agreed to go with her when she asked me weeks ago, and I looked forward to the day. I think that as members of different faiths it's natural to be apprehensive and, frankly, scared to experience other faiths as a welcomed guest. I have to say that when I was asked I felt honored and that saying yes would be the fitting response.

This morning I wondered what to wear to church. What I wear to the masjid is modest and discreet, but I personally like to adorn myself beautifully (i.e. colorfully) in preparation with meeting my Creator in prayer. Today I chose a dress, thick sweater tights, and boots. I felt confident in this attire, and I walked out the door ready for the trek, as I had to drive about an hour to meet her. When I got in the vicinity I brilliantly went to the wrong church, and as the service out there is sketchy I could not reach who I was going with for a while until I picked up a bit of service again and was able to receive her phone call. I got to the service a little late, but happy to be at the right place finally. I walked in and was warmly greeted by my guide and the pastor of the church. I had been there before in respect of her family at a time of loss, so I was familiar with some of their practices. They opened the service through singing hymns, and they went into a Sunday school meeting. I listened and picked up on what I could as a new person. Then more singing and a sermon, followed by prayer requests and offering collection. I was tempted to quip in with my personal prayer requests, but I decided I would save it for a place I feel more comfortable, in my own private supplications. After the service was over my hand was shook a few times by the members, and people thanked me for coming; they hoped to see me again.

Now this is where I get to my apology part. I had a great time, I learned more about this particular group of people. I watched a beautiful intent illustrated in their congregation. I have an appreciation for them and a respect for their beliefs. But I have a duty to my unique beliefs and fulfilling the betterment of myself through Islam, my chosen and given faith. So I wanted the strangest thing. I wanted to give those kind warm people what they wanted. I wanted to tell them, "I believe what you believe. I am one of you," because sometimes that is how much I want to make people happy. But in the end I have to be true to what will bring me personal satisfaction and joy.

I can only give them my words of gratitude and learn from this experience.

God makes beautiful kindred spirits in people of all faiths. As long as people have a strong desire to serve God I find a brother and a sister among that group. I long to return to One Religion, One Guided People.

I wanted to make this post more personal to me today. Thanks for sharing the page with me.

May you be rewarded for your struggles and your triumphs,
Saira

Rain Brain

Sometimes when the weather gets a certain amount of dreary factor and overcastness, I start to feel my mood take a similar hue. When I woke up my throat was bordering on the sore side, and I took that knowledge with me to work, where I tried to disguise my feelings in a glass of tart sparkling pink lemonade. When I left work I found myself complaining about my day to a friend, so I immediately had to put a stop to it; I said goodbye, and switched my bracelet to my other wrist.

Let me explain the bracelet switch. I recently read from a book called A Complaint Free World. I actually got to talk to the author of the book the night I purchased the book because I visited the website, which you can find here, and called the phone number listed. I wanted to leave a message expressing my gratitude. Imagine my surprise when the very man responsible for the movement answered the phone: so surreal! Basically, the complaint free movement is a lifestyle and an attitude shift. You wear a bracelet (you can purchase some on the website for you and friends) or a rubber band on your wrist and each time you complain you switch the article from wrist to wrist. The objective is to go a full 21 day span without having to switch, no complaints. The first day I started I made it the whole day, but the next four days in a row I complained at least a few times each day: it's hard! If anyone is interested I have some bracelets left that I'd be willing to share. I think if people really lived with this goal we would be so much more helpful to each other with our lack of negativity circulating.

So when I have what I have coined rain brain, I think it's great to focus on pulling the gross mean emotions out of myself and channel the true me into other activities. It can be simple as switching a bracelet on my other wrist, or I can write about it, which you know I always advocate.

I think I will focus on making my appearance the catalyst for the rest of my mood today. Time for a post afternoon shower and a new ensemble to get the beginnings of how I feel to match the outside.

Peace be upon you,
Saira

Sayonara Saira

You know the feeling. Someone who was once quite new, and no longer is, tells you it's not going to work any longer, or at least not for the moment. What do you do? When I've been in this situation I have two go-to options, 1) cry, 2) complain. And as a recent third, go into a listless, apathetic, absolutely numb mode. That is by far the worst. Don't go there! It's natural to feel down. Revel in the downness and think about why you feel that way. Once you've had a cathartic cry and your friends are very familiar with the situation, then write it out. If you have a blog be classy and discreet with details, leave out names, but let it out. If you journal by all means go there. If the journal locks even better, and so vintage of you. :-) The point of this bit of writing is to not sweat the stuff that seems too big to handle. It's really not. It only completely and totally feels that way. Just to take it a step further with your worrying, let's go through why this way have happened.

When you make friends what kind of friend are you? Do you float along and go with what happens? Are you planning, planning, planning? The same question applies in the love department. I have realized I'm an overwhelming sort of friend. I am incredibly dramatic and loud and energetic. I want my new friends and the new people in my life to be my life. I've gotten better about this as I've gotten older, but the old Saira still lingers. It goes like this: bestestfriends for two weeks, a month, two months, but once that newness and excitement wears off people get plain tired. "How does she keep going?" they wonder. "Do her problems seem to end? No? Oh geez." That last statement is the one I imagine people saying from my past. I went through a healthy chunk of my life catastrophizing the smallest things. No text from said individual for two hours? Intolerable! Someone said this or said that? Unbearable. The key here, I think is to be the friend you want to be friends with. Now I realize we can't all change who we are, but we can certainly try to emulate those good qualities we are so attracted to in the first place. By all means don't kill who you are, but also recognize you will have to inevitably take on so much more to be a true friend and lover.

My current life plan involves so much meditation it's probably a bit much. But I never realized how much the inhales and exhales as primary focus is relaxing and reflective in retrospect. Just taking even ten minutes each day to clear my mind gives me more positivity and direction. I'm also loving music as therapy. Make some playlists based on your moods on Pandora. Feel like a sluggish blob of goop? There's a station for that. Spazzy Magees might enjoy some Vampire Weekend or The Shins, for example. People are great, good, fantastic to talk to, but every now and then people do not have all the answers: you do. So soul search yourself. Talk a thinking walk. Paint out your emotions. Or try this. You are going to raise your eyebrows at this one, but talk to an animal, even if it's your fish. Reason why is that they will not judge you at all. All they will do is unconditionally love you exactly the stinking imperfect way you are. What a refreshing thing! Make best friends with yourself today. Do it for life. It takes that extra effort each day, and pretty soon you will wonder what got you so down in the first place.

Your friends and the people you fall in love with are not permanent. It's kind of like when you watch the ocean and the tide comes in and brings some rocks and bits of debris, maybe even a starfish or five, and then it goes back out into the depths of the ocean. I think of the people in my life like that. God, sometimes I have been gifted with the most beautiful curious creatures, and then they go away. But. but. but. Chances are if they are the stuff of magic I thought they were, if they really and truly are, they will return. In some shape or another, they will be back. Watch the tide, wait for it, and live the amazing life before you.

I love me today. Do you?
Saira

bright pink balloon

Just now I closed my eyes and imagined the happiest most exhilarating object. I imagined a bright pink balloon, the joy I felt when I was a child and I got one of these after an auspicious event. I wanted to remember that jolt of happiness I felt because I have lately been in the trap of putting myself in a closed confined space in my mind. Sadness has washed away the memories of bright pink balloons. Instead of feeling instantaneous, unadulterated whee! I now see a wall of black, and every time I try to get past it I am reminded of its presence, looming over me like the great impossible.

I am still in transition. I am forming new relationships with friends, continuing to push through a new workout program, starting a new job, applying to graduate school this fall, learning so many "news." I'm finally taking the responsibility to become the person I have always wanted to be but felt too lazy, too scared, or too overwhelmed to become. I never had a good reason to start becoming before, but now I have no other choice. I must become the best version of me right now. Every day. With every breath I take and every choice I make I will become her, the person who smiles through her struggles and tries again, over and over, until persistence yield optimum results.

I like this Taylor Swift song right now. I relate to the lyrics, and I believe in them.

If you are in my life, I love you, and I can't wait for you to see the real me.

Love,
Saira