Oh how I love subbing. Really. It's great being a part time teacher and getting to leave at the end of the day, not worried about the lingering social and educational issues that remain. But. Sometimes I long for my spot in a classroom as someone who belongs for more than a few days. As I walked down the hallway at the high school I subbed at today, I read the motivational posters and looked at the framed class pictures lining the walls. I noticed who had contributed to the school and how they were honored. I dragged my fingers across name plates greeting visitors and students alike outside of classrooms. Yes, today I felt more like an outsider than I normally have. Today was also a day of controlled chaos, as my assignment changed the moment I stepped inside the school doors, and it was not anymore clear to me by the end of the day. This is the reality behind subbing though: most things do, indeed, go. I walked briskly to my car at the end of the day with an hour to spare before my next job started.
I walked into my workplace in a positive refreshed mood (showers and long drives home do wonders). I got seated with three tables tonight, and I couldn't have asked for kinder people at my tables. The people I work with were helpful and friendly as they always are. I walked out the door 30 minutes before close. In every other situation I should be perfectly content with my evening, but not tonight.
Just after getting into my car I broke down and sobbed. I am still trying to figure out exactly what happened in my mind. I try to retrace my thought process, but all I can understand is how exhausted I was. I realize, every day, that my life has lost its ease and lightness, that I will have to work hard each day hereafter to get by. That hard work has finally found a place in my life, and it's here to stay.
In my lately fashion I should find the positive in my sorrow, so here goes. People comforted, and if not comforted they at least listened to me, on the drive home. And someone called me back who I did not expect to; that made me sit up and think. Do people hear our calls of desperation and pain and respond? Does God send relief in the moments of quiet struggle? What is it that I am really seeking? Money pays bills, but does it fill a weary heart with hope and love? What must I live for?
I have a goal for myself. Before I close my eyes tonight and say farewell to another day I will laugh out loud at myself. I am a fool, no more, no less. I am a fool in love with a fleeting memory.
Goodnight,
Saira
PS: My hips ache from the walking today. If "dogs" or feet can bark, my hips can sing. Unfortunately they are not in tune.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
I can only give you my words of gratitude
Today I went to church with a woman I have loved as part of my family. The feeling hasn't changed. I agreed to go with her when she asked me weeks ago, and I looked forward to the day. I think that as members of different faiths it's natural to be apprehensive and, frankly, scared to experience other faiths as a welcomed guest. I have to say that when I was asked I felt honored and that saying yes would be the fitting response.
This morning I wondered what to wear to church. What I wear to the masjid is modest and discreet, but I personally like to adorn myself beautifully (i.e. colorfully) in preparation with meeting my Creator in prayer. Today I chose a dress, thick sweater tights, and boots. I felt confident in this attire, and I walked out the door ready for the trek, as I had to drive about an hour to meet her. When I got in the vicinity I brilliantly went to the wrong church, and as the service out there is sketchy I could not reach who I was going with for a while until I picked up a bit of service again and was able to receive her phone call. I got to the service a little late, but happy to be at the right place finally. I walked in and was warmly greeted by my guide and the pastor of the church. I had been there before in respect of her family at a time of loss, so I was familiar with some of their practices. They opened the service through singing hymns, and they went into a Sunday school meeting. I listened and picked up on what I could as a new person. Then more singing and a sermon, followed by prayer requests and offering collection. I was tempted to quip in with my personal prayer requests, but I decided I would save it for a place I feel more comfortable, in my own private supplications. After the service was over my hand was shook a few times by the members, and people thanked me for coming; they hoped to see me again.
Now this is where I get to my apology part. I had a great time, I learned more about this particular group of people. I watched a beautiful intent illustrated in their congregation. I have an appreciation for them and a respect for their beliefs. But I have a duty to my unique beliefs and fulfilling the betterment of myself through Islam, my chosen and given faith. So I wanted the strangest thing. I wanted to give those kind warm people what they wanted. I wanted to tell them, "I believe what you believe. I am one of you," because sometimes that is how much I want to make people happy. But in the end I have to be true to what will bring me personal satisfaction and joy.
I can only give them my words of gratitude and learn from this experience.
God makes beautiful kindred spirits in people of all faiths. As long as people have a strong desire to serve God I find a brother and a sister among that group. I long to return to One Religion, One Guided People.
I wanted to make this post more personal to me today. Thanks for sharing the page with me.
May you be rewarded for your struggles and your triumphs,
Saira
This morning I wondered what to wear to church. What I wear to the masjid is modest and discreet, but I personally like to adorn myself beautifully (i.e. colorfully) in preparation with meeting my Creator in prayer. Today I chose a dress, thick sweater tights, and boots. I felt confident in this attire, and I walked out the door ready for the trek, as I had to drive about an hour to meet her. When I got in the vicinity I brilliantly went to the wrong church, and as the service out there is sketchy I could not reach who I was going with for a while until I picked up a bit of service again and was able to receive her phone call. I got to the service a little late, but happy to be at the right place finally. I walked in and was warmly greeted by my guide and the pastor of the church. I had been there before in respect of her family at a time of loss, so I was familiar with some of their practices. They opened the service through singing hymns, and they went into a Sunday school meeting. I listened and picked up on what I could as a new person. Then more singing and a sermon, followed by prayer requests and offering collection. I was tempted to quip in with my personal prayer requests, but I decided I would save it for a place I feel more comfortable, in my own private supplications. After the service was over my hand was shook a few times by the members, and people thanked me for coming; they hoped to see me again.
Now this is where I get to my apology part. I had a great time, I learned more about this particular group of people. I watched a beautiful intent illustrated in their congregation. I have an appreciation for them and a respect for their beliefs. But I have a duty to my unique beliefs and fulfilling the betterment of myself through Islam, my chosen and given faith. So I wanted the strangest thing. I wanted to give those kind warm people what they wanted. I wanted to tell them, "I believe what you believe. I am one of you," because sometimes that is how much I want to make people happy. But in the end I have to be true to what will bring me personal satisfaction and joy.
I can only give them my words of gratitude and learn from this experience.
God makes beautiful kindred spirits in people of all faiths. As long as people have a strong desire to serve God I find a brother and a sister among that group. I long to return to One Religion, One Guided People.
I wanted to make this post more personal to me today. Thanks for sharing the page with me.
May you be rewarded for your struggles and your triumphs,
Saira
Friday, March 22, 2013
Rain Brain
Sometimes when the weather gets a certain amount of dreary factor and overcastness, I start to feel my mood take a similar hue. When I woke up my throat was bordering on the sore side, and I took that knowledge with me to work, where I tried to disguise my feelings in a glass of tart sparkling pink lemonade. When I left work I found myself complaining about my day to a friend, so I immediately had to put a stop to it; I said goodbye, and switched my bracelet to my other wrist.
Let me explain the bracelet switch. I recently read from a book called A Complaint Free World. I actually got to talk to the author of the book the night I purchased the book because I visited the website, which you can find here, and called the phone number listed. I wanted to leave a message expressing my gratitude. Imagine my surprise when the very man responsible for the movement answered the phone: so surreal! Basically, the complaint free movement is a lifestyle and an attitude shift. You wear a bracelet (you can purchase some on the website for you and friends) or a rubber band on your wrist and each time you complain you switch the article from wrist to wrist. The objective is to go a full 21 day span without having to switch, no complaints. The first day I started I made it the whole day, but the next four days in a row I complained at least a few times each day: it's hard! If anyone is interested I have some bracelets left that I'd be willing to share. I think if people really lived with this goal we would be so much more helpful to each other with our lack of negativity circulating.
So when I have what I have coined rain brain, I think it's great to focus on pulling the gross mean emotions out of myself and channel the true me into other activities. It can be simple as switching a bracelet on my other wrist, or I can write about it, which you know I always advocate.
I think I will focus on making my appearance the catalyst for the rest of my mood today. Time for a post afternoon shower and a new ensemble to get the beginnings of how I feel to match the outside.
Peace be upon you,
Saira
Let me explain the bracelet switch. I recently read from a book called A Complaint Free World. I actually got to talk to the author of the book the night I purchased the book because I visited the website, which you can find here, and called the phone number listed. I wanted to leave a message expressing my gratitude. Imagine my surprise when the very man responsible for the movement answered the phone: so surreal! Basically, the complaint free movement is a lifestyle and an attitude shift. You wear a bracelet (you can purchase some on the website for you and friends) or a rubber band on your wrist and each time you complain you switch the article from wrist to wrist. The objective is to go a full 21 day span without having to switch, no complaints. The first day I started I made it the whole day, but the next four days in a row I complained at least a few times each day: it's hard! If anyone is interested I have some bracelets left that I'd be willing to share. I think if people really lived with this goal we would be so much more helpful to each other with our lack of negativity circulating.
So when I have what I have coined rain brain, I think it's great to focus on pulling the gross mean emotions out of myself and channel the true me into other activities. It can be simple as switching a bracelet on my other wrist, or I can write about it, which you know I always advocate.
I think I will focus on making my appearance the catalyst for the rest of my mood today. Time for a post afternoon shower and a new ensemble to get the beginnings of how I feel to match the outside.
Peace be upon you,
Saira
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Sayonara Saira
You know the feeling. Someone who was once quite new, and no longer is, tells you it's not going to work any longer, or at least not for the moment. What do you do? When I've been in this situation I have two go-to options, 1) cry, 2) complain. And as a recent third, go into a listless, apathetic, absolutely numb mode. That is by far the worst. Don't go there! It's natural to feel down. Revel in the downness and think about why you feel that way. Once you've had a cathartic cry and your friends are very familiar with the situation, then write it out. If you have a blog be classy and discreet with details, leave out names, but let it out. If you journal by all means go there. If the journal locks even better, and so vintage of you. :-) The point of this bit of writing is to not sweat the stuff that seems too big to handle. It's really not. It only completely and totally feels that way. Just to take it a step further with your worrying, let's go through why this way have happened.
When you make friends what kind of friend are you? Do you float along and go with what happens? Are you planning, planning, planning? The same question applies in the love department. I have realized I'm an overwhelming sort of friend. I am incredibly dramatic and loud and energetic. I want my new friends and the new people in my life to be my life. I've gotten better about this as I've gotten older, but the old Saira still lingers. It goes like this: bestestfriends for two weeks, a month, two months, but once that newness and excitement wears off people get plain tired. "How does she keep going?" they wonder. "Do her problems seem to end? No? Oh geez." That last statement is the one I imagine people saying from my past. I went through a healthy chunk of my life catastrophizing the smallest things. No text from said individual for two hours? Intolerable! Someone said this or said that? Unbearable. The key here, I think is to be the friend you want to be friends with. Now I realize we can't all change who we are, but we can certainly try to emulate those good qualities we are so attracted to in the first place. By all means don't kill who you are, but also recognize you will have to inevitably take on so much more to be a true friend and lover.
My current life plan involves so much meditation it's probably a bit much. But I never realized how much the inhales and exhales as primary focus is relaxing and reflective in retrospect. Just taking even ten minutes each day to clear my mind gives me more positivity and direction. I'm also loving music as therapy. Make some playlists based on your moods on Pandora. Feel like a sluggish blob of goop? There's a station for that. Spazzy Magees might enjoy some Vampire Weekend or The Shins, for example. People are great, good, fantastic to talk to, but every now and then people do not have all the answers: you do. So soul search yourself. Talk a thinking walk. Paint out your emotions. Or try this. You are going to raise your eyebrows at this one, but talk to an animal, even if it's your fish. Reason why is that they will not judge you at all. All they will do is unconditionally love you exactly the stinking imperfect way you are. What a refreshing thing! Make best friends with yourself today. Do it for life. It takes that extra effort each day, and pretty soon you will wonder what got you so down in the first place.
Your friends and the people you fall in love with are not permanent. It's kind of like when you watch the ocean and the tide comes in and brings some rocks and bits of debris, maybe even a starfish or five, and then it goes back out into the depths of the ocean. I think of the people in my life like that. God, sometimes I have been gifted with the most beautiful curious creatures, and then they go away. But. but. but. Chances are if they are the stuff of magic I thought they were, if they really and truly are, they will return. In some shape or another, they will be back. Watch the tide, wait for it, and live the amazing life before you.
I love me today. Do you?
Saira
When you make friends what kind of friend are you? Do you float along and go with what happens? Are you planning, planning, planning? The same question applies in the love department. I have realized I'm an overwhelming sort of friend. I am incredibly dramatic and loud and energetic. I want my new friends and the new people in my life to be my life. I've gotten better about this as I've gotten older, but the old Saira still lingers. It goes like this: bestestfriends for two weeks, a month, two months, but once that newness and excitement wears off people get plain tired. "How does she keep going?" they wonder. "Do her problems seem to end? No? Oh geez." That last statement is the one I imagine people saying from my past. I went through a healthy chunk of my life catastrophizing the smallest things. No text from said individual for two hours? Intolerable! Someone said this or said that? Unbearable. The key here, I think is to be the friend you want to be friends with. Now I realize we can't all change who we are, but we can certainly try to emulate those good qualities we are so attracted to in the first place. By all means don't kill who you are, but also recognize you will have to inevitably take on so much more to be a true friend and lover.
My current life plan involves so much meditation it's probably a bit much. But I never realized how much the inhales and exhales as primary focus is relaxing and reflective in retrospect. Just taking even ten minutes each day to clear my mind gives me more positivity and direction. I'm also loving music as therapy. Make some playlists based on your moods on Pandora. Feel like a sluggish blob of goop? There's a station for that. Spazzy Magees might enjoy some Vampire Weekend or The Shins, for example. People are great, good, fantastic to talk to, but every now and then people do not have all the answers: you do. So soul search yourself. Talk a thinking walk. Paint out your emotions. Or try this. You are going to raise your eyebrows at this one, but talk to an animal, even if it's your fish. Reason why is that they will not judge you at all. All they will do is unconditionally love you exactly the stinking imperfect way you are. What a refreshing thing! Make best friends with yourself today. Do it for life. It takes that extra effort each day, and pretty soon you will wonder what got you so down in the first place.
Your friends and the people you fall in love with are not permanent. It's kind of like when you watch the ocean and the tide comes in and brings some rocks and bits of debris, maybe even a starfish or five, and then it goes back out into the depths of the ocean. I think of the people in my life like that. God, sometimes I have been gifted with the most beautiful curious creatures, and then they go away. But. but. but. Chances are if they are the stuff of magic I thought they were, if they really and truly are, they will return. In some shape or another, they will be back. Watch the tide, wait for it, and live the amazing life before you.
I love me today. Do you?
Saira
Sunday, January 13, 2013
bright pink balloon
Just now I closed my eyes and imagined the happiest most exhilarating object. I imagined a bright pink balloon, the joy I felt when I was a child and I got one of these after an auspicious event. I wanted to remember that jolt of happiness I felt because I have lately been in the trap of putting myself in a closed confined space in my mind. Sadness has washed away the memories of bright pink balloons. Instead of feeling instantaneous, unadulterated whee! I now see a wall of black, and every time I try to get past it I am reminded of its presence, looming over me like the great impossible.
I am still in transition. I am forming new relationships with friends, continuing to push through a new workout program, starting a new job, applying to graduate school this fall, learning so many "news." I'm finally taking the responsibility to become the person I have always wanted to be but felt too lazy, too scared, or too overwhelmed to become. I never had a good reason to start becoming before, but now I have no other choice. I must become the best version of me right now. Every day. With every breath I take and every choice I make I will become her, the person who smiles through her struggles and tries again, over and over, until persistence yield optimum results.
I like this Taylor Swift song right now. I relate to the lyrics, and I believe in them.
If you are in my life, I love you, and I can't wait for you to see the real me.
Love,
Saira
I am still in transition. I am forming new relationships with friends, continuing to push through a new workout program, starting a new job, applying to graduate school this fall, learning so many "news." I'm finally taking the responsibility to become the person I have always wanted to be but felt too lazy, too scared, or too overwhelmed to become. I never had a good reason to start becoming before, but now I have no other choice. I must become the best version of me right now. Every day. With every breath I take and every choice I make I will become her, the person who smiles through her struggles and tries again, over and over, until persistence yield optimum results.
I like this Taylor Swift song right now. I relate to the lyrics, and I believe in them.
If you are in my life, I love you, and I can't wait for you to see the real me.
Love,
Saira
Monday, October 22, 2012
shameless shame
Night times are hard. I think about everything in my life I'm dissatisfied with and fixate. I've found a solution, though. I play a host of embarrassingly dorky songs and listen to my heart's content. You've probably heard Gangnam Style. Well, it's making me laugh and smile and be really happy right now. Before this I checked out Taylor Swift's new album. Some of the songs are rather catchy. As much as I'm embarrassed by these choices, I'm really not. They make me giddy, and I am learning that I don't need to apologize for what brings me joy. And joy is exactly what I need right now. Other than my own issues I'm dealing with, I have this horrible dinosaur cough from hell. I've been hacking and nearly vomiting from the exertion almost all day. I hope I get abs of steel after all these shenanigans.
I want to add a special thank you to the people in my life right now. Even those who are hanging on by a spider web thread. You mean the world to me, and right now you are giving my life meaning and validity.
Love,
Saira
I want to add a special thank you to the people in my life right now. Even those who are hanging on by a spider web thread. You mean the world to me, and right now you are giving my life meaning and validity.
Love,
Saira
Sunday, October 21, 2012
a frenzied fall
Hello Beautiful World! Did you miss me? I'm happy to return to the land of the blogs after a super extended leave of absence. Since I've been away I have accomplished muchos with my life and then tore away parts of it and stepped back to examine what hid in the crevices. I've met amazing people with amazing stories. I've listened to friends cry and babies squeal in delight. I've become more family-centered, more balanced, and more loving of myself as a unique and special person. I started my non-traditional teaching track, and I eagerly await this summer when I start applying for open positions in junior high and high school English classrooms. As joyous as this past year has been it's also been painful and incredibly personal. I felt myself slip from God's Grasp, though I discovered God never left me. Some nights I lay in bed sobbing, wondering what would become of me and my life; was the journey over? In moments of desolation and hardship I found a maternal comfort in silence, and I felt nothing in particular stroke my back and smooth down my disheveled hair. I am strong and I am beautiful in my vulnerability. I honestly have never felt so accepting in my life!
What lies ahead is yet to be uncovered each day. I can only pray a prayer of gratitude and continue walking straight ahead calmly and surely.
It's good to be back.
What lies ahead is yet to be uncovered each day. I can only pray a prayer of gratitude and continue walking straight ahead calmly and surely.
It's good to be back.
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