and then there was one

I feel the tidal waves of exhaustion overcoming my otherwise calm mind. I know that before I can get anywhere with what I want to say I will have given up on my words and fallen fast asleep--hopefully not still in a upright position on this couch.

Today I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I installed my cable and internet by myself. I went to a party at friends' house in downtown by myself. And now I look around the house and reflect on my past, my present, and what may potentially be my future...by myself.

Just an existential moment at midnight.

APSI Training: Pre Gaming

This morning being awake did not agree with me. So I dutifully fell back asleep. No worries about driving to Fayetteville later in the day. That would have to wait. Around 10:00 I woke up with a laundry list of tasks.
1) do actual laundry
2) clean the dreadful litter box
3) pack, pack, pack
4) locate twin sized sheets and comforter from my parents (where the yesteryear gear lives)
5) shop for snacks and traveling supplies
6) eat lunch

Around one I realized lunch was in order. Delicious Vietnamese lemongrass tofu and thai iced tea did the trick, and somehow, after shopping, and the trip to the gas station...followed by a three store filled hunt for a transmitter for my cd playerless car, I got on the road. I should add that I had just an hour to make the deadline for check in at the campus where the training was going to happen.

Fast forward to now; skip the two hour drive (I swear it took less time with my cruise control speeding); skip one confused Saira standing in a parking lot, wondering what "quad" building I needed to enter; skip the bothersome trek with way too much stuff for a four day trip. These dorms are compact--dare I say cute, even? I met my roommate next door, a 23 year old statistics teacher from Chicago. I am impressed that this may be a nation wide event, and that I didn't need to hop on a plane to get here. I offered "Jessica" a car ride should she ever need one, and I fought with spotty internet. Now I'm considering my dinner options, and I think frozen yogurt sounds much yummier.

I'm excited about learning how to teach smart people. I hope I become smarter in the process.

peace out from a few floors up,
Saira

untitled

my laughter rang in your ears and resonated in your heart
my smile became the subject of a song you wrote in earnest

I giggled uncomfortably
no one had ever written me a song
but you did
I never forgot that

some nights when I lay my head on my cool pillow
I look to my right and I close my eyes
your fingers interlace between mine
rolling on your side, you let me trace your spine
with my thumb and first finger

when I awake my bed is empty
you were never there
yet you were--
you are everywhere I go
everywhere I look
in my mind
on a mountain top
but housed in the depths of a secret cave

I want for you to be real again
I want to shout my love for you
to anyone who will listen
grab you by the throat and kiss you in public--
in front of everyone you hide me from now
so that their gaze will judge me
though neither of  us will care

open your hands and let me place my tears between them
keep them safe, and give them validation
let this silence receive an answer
your answer
the voice that only
God can keep me from returning to

where does the heart go
when it dies a silent death?

I have no doubt that true love is redeemed
reunited, restored, replenished

I am but a pebble, but you are water
you carried me down the river
but I washed upstream
and now I'm alone
on dry land

some setbacks

So how's the sugar detox going, Saira? I know I haven't checked in since day 1, so I must say that five days all went as I wanted. Then I took a trip out of town and the tumble weeds really started to roll down the road. I've allowed myself a bite of this or that in the two days since that eventful lunch, but I have resolved to get some gym days in to motivate me further. I felt compelled to write today, of all days, because, frankly, I am in an atrocious mood. The kind of mood where I sullenly walk in the front door and leave everything to the imagination, as I won't say anything about my day. The kind of mood that provokes a few hearty punches into the unassuming steering wheel. Where everywhere I go tonight I am alone in my thoughts, as this small town leaves people to their houses and their moderately contented lives on the weekdays or to their quiet, suppressed lives of drudgery. Yet for some reason no one seems to mind. Their robot mode is in play, and their passions and pursuits are not a part of their everyday reality. All has been dialed down to a steady soft him: day in, day out.

I'm tired of pushing my will on apathetic, bitter, inwardly discounted people. When I set out to help someone with good intent and kindness I am rewarded with ugly words and no appreciation. I wonder if this is how my parents felt when I was a teenager, or even now when my moods don't welcome
their pleasant dispositions. I m ready to leave this place that felt like a fenced in, over watched existence. I would love to be anonymous now and only influence those who will readily receive my words and my effort, or at least let what I say stew in
their minds for later perusal and usage.

Tonight I am not pleased.

May tomorrow be significantly improved,
Saira

Day 1: 21 Day Sugar Detox

Holy moly. For the next 21 days I've waved an imaginary hand to sugar. In addition to not eating sugar, I've decided to cut out starchy things too, which I guess I would pretty much do with no sugar. It's halfway through the day, and I'm feeling great. I did have a blunder at breakfast when I went to Starbucks to meet a client, and I ordered an egg and chicken sausage wrap. I My Fitness Pal-ed the food item and found that it had 7 grams of sugar. So minus that slip up I'm fueled by a passion iced tea (unsweet, of course) and tons of water. I'm about to eat one scrambled egg and some fruit. Oh yeah, fruit sugars are allowed; it's just the ick that's in processed foods that is cut out, and I suppose no sugar in my tea either, but I never did that anyway.

For some reason I expected my body to fall apart or at least be rebellious if I took sugar away. Instead, I think it's thanking me. I would describe my current mood as bouncy, and I've brushed away negativity all morning. But who knows, maybe today was just supposed to be a happy day for me.

If you're curious about how to try this 3 week lifestyle/health change check out this book. I say book because they are usually more comprehensive than websites. AND you cannot replace the lovely new page smell from books with a computer screen thingy.

I am considering posting my measurements at the end of every week so I can track body changes. I don't know what to expect, so here's hoping for some magic!

Try this. Your mood will thank you (and the people you normally go cranky monster on will thank you too),
Saira

photo inspire

I decided on photo inspire as a title because I want to think of experiencing a photograph as an action verb. I want to photo inspire you today with some plants in a bucket. As part of my assignment for this I ventured to the local high school today for some time in the school garden. I learned about some of the different plants and about the difficult growing season, and for some reason (maybe you can tell me why) I was completely inspired by this image. I don't know how to explain what it means to me, but maybe I like it so much because it channels beauty in a simple unassuming rather plain circumstance or setting. When I left Mr. Campbell, the teacher I visited with, told me, "If you can make this garden look good, then you're a great photographer." I'm not sure about what magical powers I possess, but this photo makes me feel good, and that's really what I aim to do when I photograph anything: to evoke a feeling of joy, fancy, or wonder.

May you be inspired, and may you experience the enthrall of everyday beauty all around you,
Saira

forever

When I was five I stood in the kitchen with my fingertips grasped on he edges of he countertop, lamenting. I sniffled and wiped my eyes. How long was forever? What if I didn't want to live forever?  
What then? Years have passed faster than fury, and I still wonder from time to time, but I finally have peace. Someone helped me let go of my apprehension.

When I met Daniel I was impressed by his conviction, that he knew exactly what he believed, no hesitation in telling me this. As someone who was raised Muslim and grew with a rather rigid outlook on existence from a structured religion, I considered him an anomaly, an interesting variation to my black and white world. My friend Sarah always tells me about the many shades of gray in everything. Daniel is a soft wash of steely gray. And he moved me to reconsider my beliefs, the right or wrong way I tend to view everything...well some things are in the middle. Not everything is this or that. There are areas in life as mysterious as the Creator. They are this way for a reason.

Daniel opened my eyes to what I could never quite do. He offered support and advice, but I could never put his wisdom into practice. Until now. I've learned that I never truly appreciate what I am blessed with until it is gone. And now he is gone. And I still have friends and supporters, but perhaps my biggest most tangible there when I need him supporter is no longer there whenever I need him.

When we see people everyday we take in a collective experience, but in the aftermath we rely on tiny glimpses of memory. I remember whenever I looked up to catch his expression I had to crane my neck back to see, as he's nearly a foot taller than me. One of his teeth is a lingering baby tooth. At first it perplexed me but soon I sought it in his smile. Robin's egg blue eyes, round and curious, yet often serenely calm. Heavily veined arms while playing the drums. A sauntering unassuming gait. A reassuring laugh. A closet full of metal tshirts with plenty of disturbing fonts and images.

I'll miss someone I knew so well, yet I barely scratched the surface of his potential in the short time I knew him. He's a lazy river in a world of cityscapes and construction. I was a raft with poor construction and a tendency to unravel and dismantle.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your hope, your fears (if there were ever any), and your unapologetic good good self.

(Hello) Daniel